Gundam Wing as FF7
by Sirea
Summary: If you can't handle Tifa and Relena bashing, Duo crossdressing, Trowa smokin pot, and Heero TOTALLY ooc, DON'T READ! ^-^ Have fun!
1. The List

Cast ****

Cast

Cloud Strife – Heero Yuy

Aeris Gainsborough – Duo Maxwell

Tifa Lockhart – Relena Peacecraft

Sephiroth – Zechs Merquise

Cid Highwind – Trowa Barton

Yuffie Kisaragi – Sirea Strife

Vincent Valentine – Wufei Chang

*Those parts that were not listed shall be playing themselves. If you are an actor or actress not listed, we are in no longer need of your services because we have found the actual person to play the part. Thank You!

Quatre: **lets out a sigh of relief**

Duo: WHY AM I AERIS?!  
Sirea: Coz you look like her, and that's scary as hell.

Duo: I do not, goddamn it! I refuse to wear a dress!

Sirea: Too damn bad! You're getting paid, aren't you?

Duo: I guess…

Sirea: Damn straight! Now stop your bitching Maxwell!

Trowa: Is there any particular reason why I'm Cid Highwind?

Sirea: Because it'll be funny as hell!

Relena: Why am I that martial artist?

Sirea: Oh…Because you'll fit the part perfectly. All except the fighting…and especially when my mother gets killed, Miss Relena. **smirk**

Duo: Since when do you call her Miss Relena?

Sirea: Out of respect. **whispers to Duo** If I don't respect her, I'm not gonna get her to take the sword for you.

Duo: **whispering to Sirea** But Si, Tifa didn't take the sword for your mom!

Sirea: **still whispering to Duo** I know, I know. But the damned slut should have! You don't deserve to die, and Relena does! Just like my mom didn't deserve to die, Tifa did!

Trowa: Why are you in the story, Si?

Sirea: **pretending to sob** Oh, you don't want me to act?

Trowa: It's not that…but I've never seen an author become part of a story.

Sirea: Well, that just makes me special, now doesn't it? Hey…why is everyone calling me Si?

Duo: Coz it's faster.

Sirea: Oh…ok!

Heero: I'm HERE! What'd I miss?

Sirea: You're being Cloud, OK?

Heero: OK! This…will…be…GREAT!

Duo: Are you feeling okay, Heero?

Sirea: He's fine. I just made him eat a can of instant coffee just for the performance.

Duo: Why do that?

Sirea: Coz that was the only way I'd get him to act.

Duo: How'd you get Wufei? Bribe him?

Sirea: No…he said that if he wasn't Vincent, he wouldn't do it, so I gave him the part.

Heero: Where's my SOLDIER uniform?! I wanna change!

Sirea: It's in your dressing room, Hee-chan.

Heero: ^-^ Okey! **runs into his dressing room**

Duo: **blinks** That was scary.

Sirea: Maybe the instant coffee was a mistake…

Relena: I shall change now as well.

Sirea: Don't forget to put the fake chest on! Tifa was like Britney Spears, and it drove my dad nuts coz she was such a slut!

Trowa: **sighs** Why not?

Zechs: I'll go.

Wufei: **walks into his dressing room**

Duo: I AM NOT CHANGING!

Sirea: Please, Duo-chan? For me?

Duo: No.

Sirea: Please?

Duo: No.

Sirea: Please?

Duo: No.

Sirea: PLEASE?

Duo: NO!

Sirea: DAMN IT, DUO! GET YOUR ASS IN THERE AND CHANGE BEFORE I MAKE YOU CAIT SITH!

Duo: Yes, ma'am. **goes into dressing room**

Heero: **comes out in Cloud's uniform** WHOO HOO! Check me out! Hell yeah! I look DAMN good!

Relena: **walks out, trying to pull her skirt down** Are you sure this is right, Sirea?

Heero: **looks at Relena and screams like a girl** TAKE IT AWAY! IT'S A DEMON! SENT FROM HELL TO DESTROY US ALL! SHE'S TOO BRITNEY-LIKE! TAKE IT AWAY, TAKE IT AWAY!

Sirea: Yeah…it's right.

Trowa: **comes out dressed like Cid** I've been looking at the script…my character curses an awful lot.

Sirea: Cid was a very pissed off guy.

Zechs: **walks out in Sephiroth's armor with the masamune at his side** Is this right?

Sirea: We'll just apply some gel to your bangs, and you'll be perfect.

Wufei: **walks out dressed like Vincent and has his hair down** Your turn, Maxwell.

Sirea: Yeah, Duo! Let's see!

Duo: NO!

Sirea: That's it! **goes into Duo's dressing room, only to come out holding her sides, laughing hysterically**

Heero: What's so funny?

Sirea: **giggle** If he had…**snicker** green contacts…**giggle** they'd be identical! **bursts out laughing again** He even has the gel in his bangs already!

Wufei: I gotta see this! MAXWELL! GET YOUR PANSY-ASS OUT HERE!

Duo: NO! I REFUSE TO DO THIS! IT'S TOO DEGRADING!

Sirea: Like you had any dignity before hand? …Screw this. I'm changing. **goes into dressing room**

Heero: I'll get him! ^-^ **goes into Duo's dressing room, and comes out dragging Duo by his braid**

**everyone bursts out laughing**

Sirea: **walks outside dressed as Yuffie** What's so---oh god…Let's just begin, OK?


	2. Midgar

INTRO GOES AS PLANNED

INTRO GOES AS PLANNED. NOW, HEERO'S GOTTA GET OFFA THE TRAIN

Heero: **tries to jump out of the train** Whoa! **falls on his face** That ain't easy…

TAKE 2

Heero tries to get off of the train…but hits his head on it on the way down, knocking him out cold.

Relena: Oh no! HEE~RO!

Apon hearing Relena's annoying voice, Heero was able to get up, and run away as fast as he could. 

TAKE 3

Heero: **gets off train successfully** WOOT! I DID IT! **starts dancing like Ricky Martin**

**Everyone sweatdropps**

MEETING AT THE REACTOR

Biggs: Didn't catch your name…

Heero: My…my name? Am I Heero? Or…am I Cloud?

Sirea: (from off stage) You're Cloud.

Heero: But am I not Heero Yuy?

Sirea: Not right now.

Heero: **sobs** If I'm not Heero Yuy, I can't kill Relena Piece-of-Crap.

TAKE 2

Biggs: Didn't catch your name…wait a minute, where is he?

Heero: Yeah, so then I kicked the guy's ass…he died. It was cool.

Jessie: Uh…riiiight…

Heero: You're pretty. What'd you say your name was again?

Jessie: Jessie.

Heero: Is that so? Well…I'm having an identity crisis right now. I'm not sure if I'm Heero Yuy or Cloud Strife.

Jessie: Are you mixing medications?

Heero: Wouldn't you like to know? **for no reason, falls over**

SETTING THE BOMB

Heero: **giggles**

Barret: What?

Heero: **giggles**

Barret: What?

Heero: **bursts out laughing**

Barret: What's so damned funny?

Heero: Someone is setting us up the bomb!

Barret: **smirks** What you say?

**The scorpion dude that you're supposed to fight appears**

Scorpion Dude: Good evening gentlemen.

Heero: Scorpion Dude!

Scorpion Dude: All your base are belong to us.

TAKE 2

Heero: Shouldn't you do it?

Barret: Naw. I gotta make sure you don't pull nothin.

Heero: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! Pervert! **slaps Barret with all of his strength**

Barret: x_X

(Come on, you can take that the wrong way if you try rally hard!)

MEETING AERIS

Duo: **gets up after guys knock him down** Yeah, you'd better run! Run away from the God of Death before he kills you with his…**pulls out Aeris's rod** …big stick? WHERE THE FUCK'S MY SCYTHE?!

Heero: Hey! You're prettier than that Jessie lady! **runs over to Duo** What's your name?

Duo: I AIN'T NO LADY! **punches Heero** I AM SHINIGAMI! I DEMAND SATISFACTION!

Heero: x_X Owies…

**Duo storms off stage**

PART 2

Heero: Don't see many flowers around here.

Duo: Oh, do you want one? They're only a gil. …A gil? That's it…? That's IT?! Give me ten bucks!

Heero: Sleep with me, and you'll get thirty!

Duo: I AM NOT A WOMAN!

Heero: I ain't picky!

Duo: I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!

MEETING TIFA

Marlene: **runs over to Heero** Papa! **sees Heero and runs away**

Relena: **comes out from behind the bar and walks over to Marlene** Marlene, aren't you going to say anything to Cloud? **walks over to Heero** Sorry, Cloud.

(Wow, so the bitch can act…well…I had to let SOMEONE be good at this, and since she's gonna die anyway, I'd be nice for the time being.)

Heero: Holy shit, Relena! How'd you get your chest that big?

Relena: Um…I'll ignore that.

Heero: I wanna know! I may just consider sleeping with you after all!

Relena: Heero…they're fake.

Aeris: **watching from the lifestream** I knew it! **turns to Tifa** They're fake, aren't they?!

Tifa: **blushes** I was drunk…

Cloud starts cracking up, and Tifa slaps him upside the head.

Tifa: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, CLOUD STRIFE!

Cloud: Are you still jealous that I fell in love with Aeris and had a kid with her, and not a skank like you?

Tifa: FUCK YOU! **stomps off**

Aeris: **turns to Cloud** I'd say so.

Relena: I won't have sex until after marriage, Heero Yuy.

Heero: **whines** But I don't wanna marry a bitch like you!

Relena: I-I'm not a bitch…!

Heero: No…you're right…you're not a bitch.

Relena: **smiles** Thanks, Heero.

Heero: You're a skank.

Duo and Sirea are heard laughing hysterically from offstage. Relena hesitates, but laughs as well.

Relena: Oh, Heero! You have such a great sense of humor! **glomps him**

Heero: AHH! GET THE BRITNEY CLONE OFF OF ME!

Relena: **giggles** You're so kawaii, Heero-chan!

Heero: HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEE---!

Duo and Sirea pass out from lack of oxygen.

AERIS'S CHURCH

Duo: Oh! It moved! **pauses then laughs at the thought of Heero being an "it"**

Heero:**wakes up** What's so funny?

Duo: You're an it! **starts laughing hysterically**

Heero: What…?

Duo: Wasn't there some skit on Saturday Night Live or the Kids in the Hall or something like that about how hermaphrodites are people too? **starts laughing again**

Heero: **blink** … ….. …….. …. ……. … .. . **blink** I don't get it.

Sirea: Oh, for the love of---CUT!

PART 2

Heero: **in a teasing voice** Ooh! Duo-chan's wearing a dress!

Duo: DON'T CALL ME DUO-CHAN!

Sirea: Guys, the camera's rolling.

Duo: Oh…um…line?

Sirea: Jesus Christ…I can't work with these two…I need a drink…

Duo: But you're under age!

Sirea: Not alcohol, you ass.

Heero: DUO'S A DRAG QUEEN!

Duo: SHUT THE HELL UP, HEERO! **punches Heero in the face**

Heero: Not again…**passes out** x_X

PART 3

Duo: So, we meet again. Don't you remember me?

Heero: Yeah, I remember you! You wouldn't sleep with me!

Duo: COZ I AIN'T A WOMAN! AND EVEN IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T BE A WHORE! I CAN'T HANDLE WORKING WITH HEERO WHEN HE'S HIGH ON INSTANT COFFEE!

PART 4

Duo: **very ticked** I'm Aeris. The Flower Girl.

Heero: The name's Cloud. Me? I do a little bit of everything. …How bout I do you?

Duo: **eye starts twitching** Oh…a jack of all trades?

Heero: **smirks** Wanna find out?

Duo: Shut the fuck up!

Heero: **starts singing** Shut the fuck up she said. I'm goin fucking deaf; you're always too loud. Everything's too loud.

Duo stomps off stage as Heero continues singing…and dancing.

PART 5

Duo: Do I really have to say it? It's not like he's trying to FUCK ME ALREADY!

Sirea: Just say the line, Duo.

Duo: **big sigh** How about if I go out with you once?

Heero: **face lights up** You mean it?!

Duo: Eep.

Heero: Don't worry! We'll have fun!

Duo: Si…back me up?

Sirea: Nah. I don't feel like it.

Heero starts chasing Duo around the set.

PART 6

Duo: **without any enthusiasm at all** Don't fight here. You'll ruin the flowers.

Heero: With a little enthusiasm, man!

Duo: Oh dear god! You mustn't fight here! You'll ruin my precious flowers!

Everyone sweatdropps.

AERIS'S HOME

Duo: I'm home, mom. Cool. I have a mom! XD

Elmyra: **looks at Duo** Aeris? Reeve told me you were dead!

Duo: I AM NOT AERIS! I AM SHINIGAMI, DAMMIT!

Heero: Look on the bright side, Du-chan.

Duo: Number 1, don't call me Du-chan. Number 2, there is no bright side.

Heero: At least you don't have curves.

Duo: Heero, you're one sick puppy.

IN THE PLAYGROUND

Duo: Say, what rank were you?

Heero: Rank?

Duo: In SOLDIER.

Heero: Oh, I was…First Class.

Duo: Just the same as him.

Heero: Who?

Duo: My first boyfriend.

Heero starts cracking up.

Heero: DUO'S GAY!

Duo: I AM NOT!

Heero: Are too!

Duo: DAMN IT! **pushes Heero off of the slide** I HOPE YOU DIE!

PART 2

Heero: **still giggling from last time** You were…serious?

Duo: No…but I liked him for a while.

Heero: Now don't try to get down on me, Duo.

Duo: GODDAMMIT! CAN'T WE GET A GIRL TO DO THIS?

Sirea: We COULD, but then that wouldn't be as funny.

Duo: Fuck you!

Sirea: Oh, I love you too, Duo!

Duo: I hate my life…

Heero: We know, Duo.

Duo: …I hate you, Heero.

Sirea: Come on, guys. We gotta get started on---

Heero: **starts singing** Get started on, get started on, get started on…start spreading the news…

Duo: Help me…

Sirea: Help me first…

PART 3

Duo: That was Tifa…? She looked kind of odd.

Heero: I'll say. She's a little Britney Spears in training!

Duo: Amen to that! Little skank…

Heero: Hey, do we have to try and save Relena in the next scene?

Sirea: Yes, unfortunately. But don't worry. She dies soon, anyway.

Heero: YAY! NO MORE STALKER! XD

Sirea: **screams** OH GOD! OH NO! NOT THAT!

Duo: What?

Sirea: Hey, Duo? Want the rest of my Pepsi?

Duo: OK!

Duo takes the Pepsi and drinks the rest. (Which wasn't much.) Heero and Sirea look on in disgust.

Duo: What?

Heero: Didn't you know? Big Gumbly Slut is the new spokesperson for Pepsi.

Duo: Big Gumbly Slut?

Sirea: BGS is Britney Queer's initials. So, we got Big Gumbly Slut out of that!

Duo: AND I JUST DRANK THIS PEPSI? HEERO, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?

Heero: Hmm…I don't know.

DON CORNEO'S MANSION

Duo: Cloud, why don't you dress up like a girl?

Heero: What?!

Duo: It's the only way to save Tifa.

Heero: NO WAY! I AM NOT BECOMING A DRAG QUEEN FOR MISS I'M-A-QUEER-BRINTEY-SPEARS-WANNABE-WHO-TRIES-TO-SEDUCE-HEERO-EVEN-THOUGH-I-KNOW-HE-HATES-ME!

Sirea: **is getting fed up with the fucking around that's going on** JUST DO IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU CAIT SITH!

Cait Sith: Why does everyone hate me?

Heero: I'm scared of her…um…**in a bad Austin Powers voice** Lead me to the dresses, baby!

PART 2

Duo: Poor Cloud, having to stand over there and listen to us call him nothing.

Relena: **walks over to Heero** ? Cloud…? !! Cloud! What are you doing here? Why are you dressed like that? Are you ok? What happened after the fall? Are you hurt?

Heero: Give me a chance to answer! I'm dressed like this because…THAT DAMNED BITCH NAMED SIREA STRIFE MADE ME WEAR A DRESS!

Duo: Hey, hey, HEY! DON'T SPEAK LIKE THAT ABOUT SIREA!

Sirea: SHUT UP, DUO! I CAN FIGHT MY OWN BATTLES!

Duo: …Sorry…

Heero: Damn, what's up YOUR ass, Sirea?

Sirea: I shouldn't have given you the instant coffee…

Heero: Hey, you got any more? I'm hungry.

Sirea: If you weren't my koi's best friend, I'd kill you. Man, fuck this. We can skip Corneo's mansion.

Relena: Why?

Sirea: Because Heero and Duo seem to love making fun of each other's dresses, and we'll never get it done at this rate!

Relena: Good point.

Sirea: Don't disgrace my remarks with your agreements, Relena.

Heero and Duo start laughing.

DESTRUCTION OF SECTOR 7

Relena: We made it! The pillar's still standing!

Duo: **playfully elbows Heero in the arm** What's that look like to you, Heero?

NO, THIS IS NOT A YAOI FIC! …Even though it might turn out to be later on…depends on how I feel.

Heero: I don't get it…

Duo: You mean…you've never…?

Heero: What? Never what?

Duo: That's disgraceful.

Relena: Now, Duo, just because YOU'RE horny, doesn't mean Heero has to be!

Duo: **blank stare** How do YOU know what we're talking about?!

Relena: **blush** I-I'm not a virgin…

Duo: But you said…!

Relena: I know what I said!

Heero: You ARE Big Gumbly Slut's wannabe!

Relena: Big Gumbly Slut…?

Duo: Man, you're as dense as the REAL Tifa Sluthart is!

PART 2

Relena: **runs over to the bomb** Cloud! Do something!

Heero: Um…

Relena: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE THINGS THE WRONG WAY?!

Heero: Um…

Sirea: JESUS CHRIST, HEERO! DO IT RIGHT! NOW!

Heero: Um…**runs over to the bomb** This isn't an ordinary time bomb.

Tseng: That's right. It'll blow the second some stupid jerk touches it.

Heero: Ugh…

Barret: Shut yer hole! **starts shooting the helicopter**

Tseng: Now, now. We wouldn't want to do anything that might injure our special guest.

Heero: Aeris!

Duo: Don't worry, Tifa! She's all right!

Tseng: Shut up. **bitch slaps Duo**

Duo: THAT'S IT! **stands up and bitch slaps Tseng back**

Tseng: Damn you, woman! **slaps Duo**

Duo: I AM NOT A WOMAN! I AM SHINIGAMI! **punches Tseng, sending him flying out of the helicopter, plummeting to the ground**

Sirea: Oh, fuck. Where are we gonna find another Tseng?

SAVING AERIS

Relena: **walks up to Red 13 and starts tapping on the glass** Precious specimen…?

Red 13: **breaks out of the huge test tube thingy and starts attacking Relena** CAN'T YOU READ?! IT SAYS NO TAPPING ON THE GLASS!

Duo and Heero exchange glances, then burst out laughing.

PART 2

Duo: I knew Cloud would come for me. Ok, question. IF I'M THE GOD OF DEATH, WHY DID I NEED HEERO TO SAVE ME?

Sirea: **walks on stage and points a gun a Duo's head** Do it right before I pull a Zero System.

Duo: You wouldn't dare.

Sirea: You want to try me?

Duo: …Here? Now?

Sirea whacks Duo with the gun, knocking him out.

Sirea: I hate you, Duo. **smiles sweetly and walks off stage**

Heero: Duo! …Sweet.

Relena: There is no need for war.

Heero: Shut up, bitch! **bitch slaps Relena**

Relena: **with tears in her eyes** Don't you love me, Heero?

Heero: Who said I ever loved you? Omae o Korosu!  
Sirea: Fuck. I think the instant coffee wore off.

Heero: Where's my gun? Why am I in a SOLDIER uniform? What's going on?

****

Sirea: Um…can we take a break?


End file.
